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Texting Abbreviations for us Seniors
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Dec 8, 2010 1:08 pm
1527
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FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
ROFL - CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing - Can’t Get Up
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
LOL: Living On Lipitor
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WTF: What’s Today’s Fish?
IMHMO: In My HMO…
RULKM: Are You Leaving Kids Money?
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
GTG: Gotta Groan
TGIF: Thank Goodness It’s Four (Four O’clock – Early Bird Special)
FWB: Friend With Beta-blockers
FYI: For Your Indigestion…
JK: Just Kvetching
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
WIWYA:When I Was Your Age
GOML: Get Off My Lawn
WAY: Who are you (spoken to wife or husband)
NVNL: No Viagra No Love
NGNL: No Glove No Love
NCNL: No Commitment No Love (mostly women to men)
IH: Iggy Him
NGNB: Nice Guy No Bucks
HBIH: Huge Baggage Iggy Him
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10
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Another Blonde Joke
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Nov 12, 2010 10:44 am
1549
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Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
and one for all Guys & Gals
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked. 'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied. 'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend. 'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it. 'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. . The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
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9
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Words of wisdom from a 90 year old, C&P
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Nov 2, 2010 11:25 am
1340
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We can learn a lot about life from our Elders
This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!!
For me probably more often...
Written by xxx, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1 . Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11 . Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21 . Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31 . However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41 . Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Does number 40 strike a cord with anyone but me??
(Wisdom...I point the way I cannot folow)
TC Ladies and Gents!
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2
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A few old Blonde jokes...still kinda funny
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Oct 29, 2010 9:18 am
1387
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
___________________________________________________________
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
_____________________________________________________________
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'
The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem.
He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?'
The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'
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3
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Can it happen again?
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Oct 26, 2010 2:44 pm
1686
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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
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11
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Bad News for Grandpa ! Bummer
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Oct 18, 2010 8:21 am
1621
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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
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6
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158 Reasons in 2010
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Oct 15, 2010 8:31 am
1498
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To throw out the democrat Sacramento numskulls in November. 158 is the number of businesses that have moved out of California so far this year. Along with the business also go over 50,000 jobs. That’s 50,000 jobs and millions of dollars of lost revenue to the state.
Near and dear to my heart are the manufacturing jobs, surprisingly, (to my knowledge) none of the manufacturing businesses left for cheaper wages over seas. Arizona and Texas were the big winners, one huge hi tech medical device manufacturing firm is moving to Indiana.
Why up and move out of CA? Taxes at the state, county and city levels are out of control and meddling into the day to day operations..
PS California has spend millions of tax payers money on “Go Green”, one of the vacating firms produce solar panels and hardware for Green power, well yep, they are moving out and further, in their new home of business friendly Texas, they plan on upgrading facilities by investing 46MM in plant equipment and other improvements.
What part of stupid do these morons not understand….
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3
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Seniors on SS, Sorry no payment increase... Again
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Oct 12, 2010 8:58 am
2157
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The US dollar has lost 20% of its value over the last ten years, your money at the supermarket and pharmacy is stretched to the point where it is a choice of food or medicine. To live you need both, but a choice must be made because your society security checks fall short to cover both. And the Government in its infinitive wisdom has decided the current inflation rate does not warrant ( 2010 and 2011) an increase in SS to help offset the increases.
Well you can always borrow against your home (if you are lucky to own one) however deflation has driven down the value where there is zero equity or worse, you are upside down.. Forget about fixing the leaky roof or a new furnace. New paint on the outside? Forget about that too..
Our country must turn this deplorable and sickling situation around and do it quickly, where are the rich liberal movie stars that could be launching a series of Help Our Seniors events? Where is the outrage when we send billions of dollars outside the country yet our own go without the basics of life?
And the sad truth of the matter is, many seniors will die rather than ask for financial help knowing all to well that train has already left the station..
God please help us out of this mess!!!
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17
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Mediority?? I pray Not!!
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Oct 9, 2010 9:32 am
1699
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Is the Goal Mediocrity?
Mediocrity means; Unevenness, Poorness, Weakness and (among other descriptions) Losers.
Our country is at a crossroads, we can keep the majority of congressmen and women and accept the road that leads to mediocrity and ruin or we can elect men and women that can help us regain an era leading to the pursuit of Excellence. Excellence must be a journey not a destination as we can always improve our life and further improve our country.
Hope is wonderful, hope is the fuel that keeps many of us going to better ourselves in the very basic needs of life; food, shelter, and clothing. Hope that is false leads to discontent
and much worse, it leads to jealously and anarchy. The promise our President made to millions of citizens that his plan for redistribution of wealth would lift them out of poverty was nothing less than cruel and plain wicked.
Take a couple minutes and look around, we have inflation in cost for our basic needs, food and clothing and super deflation in our assets of real value; IE our homes. This is a double edge sword with a slippery handle.
There are nearly 15 million Americans that can not find work, easy to say but 15 million, my God that’s more than live in many states!! Jobs must come from the private sector not from government, why would the private sector create jobs that will cost more money than profits they generate? It would be like you putting a $100.00 dollars in a saving account and at the end of a year, you have $80.00 that buys $60.00 dollars of food and clothes..Not many of us will do that!!
This sinking ship must be turned around, you, me and every legal person of voting age in our country has a stake in this election. Please lend a hand and make it happen.
Thank you for reading! .
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