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Love come softly, brush against my heart
Yearning for its closeness, not ever to depart
In God’s Infinite Wisdom, I place my life,
And trust for tomorrow, what be, what might
Whatever path this love may go
It carries with it the willingness,
to let it go
And hope that one day, it will again, brush against my heart ....
To stay forever.
Karen A. 05/30/06 
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I'm feelin good
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Apr 1, 2006 12:52 pm
1714 Views
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As a newby to blog land, I am beginning to feel my writing juices surface again. It has been so long since I have felt like putting any of my thoughts down. A few years back I decided I was going to write stories about my life. It's not that I have lead an exciting one, that I think everyone should read about. Actually, it was because I wanted to leave something of myself for those that come after me. Kind of a way of saying ... see, I did exist. I was a part of the human race. I cried, I laughed, I got mad, I forgave.
Anyway, I'm straying from why I am writing this. I just feel good that I am getting some inspiration back to write. Due to some personal setbacks, I lost interest for a while. I don't know how often I will blog, but when I do, I will welcome your comments.
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A day in my life .... Christmas 1964
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Mar 31, 2006 12:04 pm
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Christmas of 1964 I was fourteen years old, and lived in the small town of Rhododendron, located on the foothills of Mt. Hood. The winter season had already brought us a heavy snowfall, and we had at least a foot and half of snow covering the ground. It was a Monday morning, the last day of school before classes were let out for the Christmas holiday. Over the night a Chinook wind had come through and between the warm wind and rain, the snow on the ground was beginning to disappear. Because the ground was frozen, the melting snow had no place to go. Our home was situated between the Zig Zag River, and Still Creek, and we could hear large boulders rolling from the force of the ever-increasing rise of water. By mid morning, all the snow was gone.
Because of the weather conditions, we did not have running water that morning, so my Mom decided to keep my brothers and I home from school. My Dad and brothers had gone “up town” to see what was going on, and to check out the conditions of the river at other vantage points. Mom and I decided to walk up to the bridge that crossed over the Zig Zag River about a quarter of a mile from our home. As we stood on our side of the bridge, we were in awe of the strength and magnitude of the high waters as it had already risen up to where it was touching the under side of the bridge.
While standing there, a car coming from the other side stopped before crossing over, and two young teen age boys jumped out and ran across the bridge to where we were. While they stood talking to my Mom, I noticed that some other young boys that I knew were now standing at the other end of the bridge, and without waiting for my Mom to say yes or no, I darted across to talk to them. I figured if the bridge was safe enough for the two teenage boys to come across, it would also be safe for me. About half way across I felt the bridge move as it began to break away from the side to which I was running to. I kept running and as I reached the other side, I had to jump about two feet to safety before the bridge broke completely away from the road. It all happened so suddenly that it wasn’t until hours later that I realized how close I had come to losing my life. I’m pretty sure I had Angels at my side, lifting me as I made my jump to safety.
There was now no way for us to get to the other side by car, however, there was a footbridge at the other end of town that my Dad, my brothers and I were able to cross to get back home. It too was later washed away.
Many families suffered enormous damage to their homes, and some of our friends even lost theirs to the flood. My family was spared that tragedy and I will forever be mindful of that eventful day and be thankful for the miracle of being saved from being washed away in the torrential Christmas Flood of 1964.
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Starting Over
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Mar 28, 2006 11:47 pm
1886 Views
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There is this day time reality show that I have become so addicted to called "Starting Over." It is a place where women go to live for a couple of months or so. They have life coaches, and they learn how to get through (get rid of) the baggage they have been carrying around. Their ages have ranged from very early 20's to 50's. Anyway ... they start over.
I love that thought, and feel that is where I am in my life now. After 30 years working as a civil servant, I retired at age 50. I continued to work part time up until my move to another state this past June. My reasons for moving were many, but I think the biggest reason was that I could. I had nothing holding me back, no obligations to anyone. It was very difficult to leave my friends behind, and a church family that was so supportive, but I figured it was time.
My life has been good, but I can't say that I ever took any real risks. Even though in moving, I was still going to be near family, it was a risk to leave a town where I was so familiar with everything. Leaving my friends also meant that my social calendar was going to look very empty for a while.
Thank God for email ... so that I keep in touch with everyone pretty regularly. I don't regret at all my decision to move. I live close to my Mom again, which is a good thing. She's not getting any younger, and neither am I, and it's nice to be close enough to meet for a cup of coffee, or drop by for a visit.
I've also taken on a new challenge. I am a student once again. I decided to take a course in medical transcribing in order to supplement my retirement income, and also continue to have some connection with the outside world. I am pleasantly surprised at how much I am enjoying the learning process. I am on my third course now, with two more after this one. Once I complete the studies, I'll get a certificate and I'll be on my way.
The other challenge for me (and risk?) is the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. It's in the beginning stages of planning, and my insurance says they won't cover it. However, I am determined to jump that hurdle, it will just take a little longer than I was hoping. God is in control.
These are part of my "Starting Over." I'm in a new town, learning a new profession, making new friends and hopefully one day I'll be a healthier, more physically fit person. (Please, anyone who reads this who has no empathy for people with weight issues, please keep your comments to yourself.)
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Time for humor
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Mar 27, 2006 3:58 pm
1649 Views
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All right, I’ve probably been a little too maudlin in my first blogs. I need to lighten up. I thought I would share with you one of my all time favorite jokes.
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Little Jimmy’s Mom was busy planning a dinner party. Everything was pretty much prepared and ready when she realized she needed a nice flower centerpiece and would have to go to the market. As she was dashing out the door she yelled to Jimmy that she would return shortly. Remembering the bowl of peas she had sitting on the kitchen counter, and knowing how much Jimmy loved green peas, she also added “if I come back and find even one pea missing from that bowl, you are in deep trouble!” and off she went.
Now Jimmy was determined that he was going to show his Mom that she could trust him to do as she said. However, as he walked passed the bowl of peas his taste buds began to juice up. He kept walking back and forth eying those peas, salivating more and more. Finally, he couldn’t take it any longer and he dived into the peas, eating every last one of them. Once done, and realizing what he had done, he was frantic. “What am I going to do?” Mom’s gonna kick my butt when she gets home.”
Jimmy ran into his bedroom and opened up the bedroom closet. He searched until he found a box of BB’s. Taking a can of green spray paint from a shelf in the garage, he quickly painted the BB’s. He then put them in the bowl and placed the bowl back on the kitchen counter.
When Jimmy’s Mom returned from the market, she praised him “Oh, Jimmy I am so proud of you. You are a good boy, it looks like you didn’t even eat one pea.”
That evening the dinner party went off without a hitch. However, the next morning as Jimmy came running down the stairs he heared his Mom crying. He ran into the kitchen and found her sitting at the table with her head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably. “Mom, Mom … what’s wrong?” he asked, as he rushed over to comfort her.
She looks up at him, tears running down her cheeks and said. “Oh Jimmy, I am so sorry … I just don’t understand how it happened. When I bent down to feed the cat ………….
I shot the canary”.
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The tree outside my window
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Mar 26, 2006 11:18 pm
1736 Views
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THE TREE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW
Written August 12, 2002
All my life I’ve been drawn to Trees. Not only do they provide us with shelter from the hot sun, the strong winds, the pouring down rain and any and all other storms of nature, they also provide a home to many of God’s little creatures. I’ve always felt their beauty was beyond measure or explanation. As they stretch their branches towards the sky as if in praise to their Creator, I humbly realize their place in God’s wondrous creation, and how small and insignificant I can be against their majestic meaning.
As a young child walking down a gravel road that led to our house, I would stop and recite the poem that was written on a plague and hung on the entrance gate to our neighbors place. The title “Trees” by Joyce Kilmer.
“I think that I shall never see, A Poem as Lovely as a Tree
A Tree whose hungry mouth is prest, Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day, and lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear, a nest of robins in her hair,
Upon whose bosom snow has lain; who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.”
As I recited that poem, I felt the words deep down in my soul, with a spiritual awakening of God’s beauty around me.
It shouldn’t seem a surprise to me then, that the Lord would use a tree to give me comfort during a time of questioning. A time of doubt as to what my life was and is about. As I write this, I feel that there is still more to learn from this tree outside my window, but I will share one lesson now.
Outside my bedroom window, there is a tree whose branches have grown high enough that I can see it over the roof of my neighbors apartment. I can lie in my bed and gaze out the window enjoying the splendor and beauty of its branches. During this time of year, the green of the tree against the blue of the sky is like no other finery of color I can describe. In the morning as the sky just begins to waken, I enjoy that tree, and the unexplainable peace that comes over me.
However, during the night, that tree has taken on other forms. I awake periodically and my eyes fall on that tree. Or is it a tree? In my sleepiness my eyes play tricks on me. I see faces, I see animals, I’ve even seen snow capped mountains …. It just all depends on what time of the night or early morning it is, and how the light shines on that tree. One evening I saw a woman standing at her kitchen sink. Now, go figure!
One early morning before the sun’s light began to bring that tree to reality, I gazed upon it, again seeing things other than the tree itself. The Lord spoke to me. He said “See Karen, things are not always as they appear”. Now, why would He tell me that? That is a tree, without a doubt in my mind, I knew that. I knew, because when daylight came, I could see clearly that it was, as its branches, green and bright, rested gently against the clear blue sky.
However, in all of my knowing, at times I still saw that tree as something else. I then knew the Lord was telling me that what I am going through at this time of my life is not what I may think it is. That when the light begins to filter through the darkness of my despair, I will see what truly is there and it will be beautiful and transformed into its real Truth. God is bringing me to that point of seeing everything for what it truly is, and His great part in it. My faith strengthens and overflows. I know the Lord exists, and His Love for me is beyond measure, and unconditional. When the morning breaks, and the sun comes up, I will see clearly what His Plan is for my life.
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I finally get it.
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Mar 25, 2006 4:19 pm
1501 Views
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This is not my writing, however it spoke volumes to me and pretty much sums up a lot of what I feel. It is pretty long, but hopefully you'll find it well worth the read. The author is unknown.
"A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out--ENOUGH! --Enough fighting and crying and struggling to hold on.
And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to realize it's time to look at the world with new eyes. This is your awakening. You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings. (or beginnings for that matter)
And that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are..and that's OK. They are entitled to their own opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born in self-approval.
You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or
didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.
So, you learn to stand on your own and take care of yourself. And in the process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you have been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you wear, and what you should do for a living, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family and friends.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you discard what you don't need.. in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you cannot teach a pig to sing...You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO! And know when enough is enough! You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love; How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are not as you would have them to be. You stop trying to control people, situations and Outcomes. AND YOU LEARN THAT ALONE DOES NOT MEAN LONELY.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs...You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK! and that it is your right to want things and to ask for things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE, KINDNESS SENSITIVITY, AND RESPECT AND YOU WON'T SETTLE FOR LESS!
And you learn that your body is really your temple. And you begin to treat it with respect. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest and eat right. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels the soul. So you take more time to laugh and play. You learn that for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success
you need direction, discipline and perseverance.
You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all:
FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms!
And you learn to fight for your life and not squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn life is not always fair. you don't always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that GOD isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state--the ego-. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must me understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong, and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn the importance of saying "I'm sorry."
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire.
And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you walk slowly through a rain storm. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart, and GOD by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can. And keep the faith and hope alive for love to enter your heart."
Author Unknown
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Our words and their impact
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Mar 25, 2006 4:06 pm
1415 Views
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Something happened today, which made me very sad. It didn’t happen to me directly, but it did involve someone I love and care about, and the hurtful words they received from another. Words are sure a powerful weapon. They can tear down and destroy within seconds. They can also be the balm that heals a wound festered and infected by years of misunderstandings, neglect and harsh hurtful actions.
Who is to blame? Well, blaming won’t solve the hurt, nor will it heal the wound. My responsibility is not to find blame, but to not be a part of, or feed into the blame. I can not control the actions or responses of another, however, I can control how I deal with, react to and answer to another.
Why is it so difficult to communicate to someone how their actions or words have hurt or disappointed, without lashing out in anger in doing so? Why is it so difficult to see our part in the breakdown, choosing to feel it is someone else’s responsibility and not ours.
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